Unraveling the Kindred Spirits
questions that make the soul pause
Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It’s splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.
-L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
I am learning there’s kindredness everywhere.
Dig deep enough into the soil of a fellow human’s heart and you may tumble upon roots that are not so different from your own. Even the gardens blooming with flowers entirely unlike ours still crave water and sunlight and the tender touch of a Gardener’s care.
Yet, the kindredness passes us by so quickly. It peeks out in specks of light, mere moments of simplicity and wonder that flicker away as quickly as they come. Finding the raw, relatable human in strangers requires breaking past the barriers of small talk and comfortable distance.
This is why I love questions.
With one, sincere, intentional question the walls of kind formalities can be washed away by vulnerable kindredness. Once I realized this, I determined to be a student of questions. I began to watch people—their expressions, their reactions, their awkward moments—and to quietly observe which words, tones, which kinds of topics, seemed to slice into the patterns of their body language. I compiled a list of questions which seemed to, for a brief moment, pull back the curtains of the human soul to reveal a glimpse of the vulnerable, raw, kindred spirit inside.
This article is a compilation of some of those questions. Most are my own, crafted carefully and tested gently. Others have been gathered from conversations, like nuggets of gold on a childhood treasure hunt. All of them are listed here to serve you however you need them to, whether it means asking them honestly to yourself or saving them to ask others. I recommend both.
However you choose to use them, these are questions for unraveling the kindred spirit in both strangers and friends.
For Asking “How Are You?”
How are you? (Truly)
I used to be so frustrated with the question “how are you?” as it seemed pointless and redundant. As this frustration grew, I found myself asking how I could make the question better, rawer, more sincere. The answer was surprisingly simple.
Firstly, whenever I ask “how are you?” I always add the word "truly.” How are you? Truly. Secondly, when someone gives their response, I ask a follow-up question of “why?” For example, if someone says they are “good.” I respond with, “Why? What’s making life good?” This has never failed me. Every time I have added the follow-up question it has been met with a double-take, an awkward giggle, and a raw conversation. With one additional question, the formalities vanish and kindredness swoops in.
What is something that made your heart smile this week?
What is something that made your soul heavy?
Where would you rate yourself, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally on a scale of 1-10? Why?
I first encountered this question from one of my dear friends a couple years ago and have found it immensely useful. It allows people to recognize the different kinds of health at play in their day-to-day life and how one part of their life may be going beautifully while another is really struggling. It also helps clarify how you, as the question-asker, can best support the other person.
If you could only describe your week in one word, which would you choose?
What “color” was your day?
One of my very best friends loves describing things in colors and this has become one of my favorite questions to ask. It leads down a whole rabbit-hole of thoughts on what colors go with what thoughts, emotions, opinions, personalities, etc.
For Getting Past Small Talk
What’s something you love about your personality?
What’s something that frustrates you about your personality?
Each of the above questions help both the asker and the responder. The person being asked is given an opportunity to see themselves in a realistic light. For the insecure individual, the former question begs admittance of valid strengths; for the prideful individual, the latter question provides humble consideration. In both cases, the person being asked is beckoned into reflection, introspection, and vulnerability.
Similarly, the person asking the question is gaining insight into what the other person values in themselves, how they see themselves, how they want to see themselves, what they respect in others, etc. It also opens doors for more vulnerable conversations about insecurities or relatable connections in human struggles.
If you had to describe yourself by a smell, what smell would it be?
I heard this question from a camp counselor and have loved it ever since. Not only do people’s answers provide insight into how they view themselves or want to be viewed, but how quickly they answer says a lot about them. More often than not, when I’ve asked this question, it is the spunky, confident, adventurous people who answer quickly while the quiet, reserved, reflective people answer with uncertainty.
Neither answer nor personality type are bad. But the pattern is fascinating. Especially considering the latter type would be more likely to be self-reflective. So why does it take longer for them to self-describe? This is why I love intentional questions. They always birth more questions.
Do you have any secret accomplishments?
In other words: things others wouldn’t recognize as a big deal, but that were important steps for you? Or, things that would be publicly praised but you chose to keep quiet?
What was your childhood like?
This question has a million other questions embedded in it. What’s one place you associate with your childhood? Do you have any childhood friends still? What did you spend your time doing as a child?
My favorite follow-up question to this one is an earnest, simple, “Do you miss it?”
What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?
This is a big, red, small-talk question, I know. But, again, follow-up questions can make it really meaningful. What made you start those hobbies? Why do you enjoy them? Do you find them restful or growth-spurring? Or both?
What’s something you’re really looking forward to in the next six months?
Is there anything you’re nervous about in the next few months?
For Deeper Conversations with Friends
How can I love you better?
One of my friends asks me this often and it makes my heart smile every time. It also helps me reflect on what kind of things truly make me feel loved and how I can communicate that to others.
What is a question you wish people asked you more?
Is life peaceful for you yet?
I save this question mostly for friends who have had really tumultuous, troubling lives and who ebb in and out of mine. I have some very dear friends who I don’t talk with regularly. When I do talk with them, I rarely know if the waters of their life are raging or still. So, to avoid repeating surface-level questions and mundane conversations, I simply ask, “Is life peaceful yet?”
What is holding you back from doing the next thing?
I’ve found that a lot of people know they’re being held back by something from their past, sometimes even current things that are dragging them down like deadweight. But sometimes it takes a direct question like this to open up the eyes to the heaviness of all the things one is holding onto.
Is there anything, or anyone, you really miss right now?
Where do you feel safest?
Are there any burdens I can help you carry?
Do you want me to respond or do you need me to just listen?
This one is meant to work alongside an already intimate and vulnerable conversation. If someone is opening up, I tend to be inclined towards giving advice. Asking this question helps me know if I should share encouraging words or just lend a compassionate ear.
Is there anything you’ve wanted to tell me, but I haven’t asked you about?
What is a compliment you wish people gave you more?
What is something from your life that you see shaping your responses, but no one else knows about?
Have you felt alone recently?
What’s something you’ve been working on growing in and how can I cheer you on?
What’s going on in your heart and mind?
What have you been talking about with God lately?
Can we go on a walk?
This last one is among my favorites. Talking with people in nature is one of the easiest ways to catch the kindredness in the blur of life’s kaleidoscope. There’s something about the grass beneath your feet, the wind on your skin, and the endless sky above your minds that unravels the layers of the soul until, at last, glimmers of raw, human kindredness spill through.
Ask a friend about that today. I’m going to ask my little sister. We’ll probably opt for a tea-party in the garden instead. There will be stuffed animals and blankets and blue skies and giggles and lots of little kindred moments. It will be healing and lovely and wholesome.
Go for a walk with a friend. Let the sunlight settle in. Study the familiar in the strangers around you. Maybe you’ll find kindredness in unexpected places too.
May His love bind you up in grace and grant you peace until next time,
Rue ♡
I love how practical, honest, and intentional each of these reflective questions are. Already have inspiration to encourage deeper conversations with co-workers and friends.
rue this is beautiful 🫶🏽